turntable / as the table turns

Our wedding was all set to happen in Prague. Shortly before our trip, Hadley and I discovered that getting legally married in the Czech Republic required some insane bureaucracy. Instead, we had to get officially married in California, before our wedding.

On April 1 1997 we called City Hall. They required advanced bookings. So we picked up the Yellow Pages, called around, then we popped over the Golden Gate Bridge to the bedroom suburb of San Rafael where we had an unexpectedly emotional ceremony, performed by a minister in his back garden.

Fast forward, two kids and ten years later, we once again found ourselves slightly caught out with our plans. As luck would have it, we were extremely fortunate to be able to make a booking at the Master’s Lodge in Napier.

The Master’s Lodge is an amazing place run by two wonderful people, Larry and Joan. A pair of former Manhattan-ites who have put together a truly special getaway. Everything about it is absolutely exquisite. Impeccable. Flawless. But it is by no means pretentious or stuffy. You are definitely pampered, but they are very careful not to be annoying. It’s set in a lush garden, in the hills overlooking the Hawkes Bay with Napier and the beach just below and the vineyards further in the distance.

The house and the rooms are beautifully curated with period furniture and art. It’s not gaudy or overdone, it’s just right. There’s an incredible attention to detail. They have museum quality pieces everywhere you look, but it still manages to retain a cozy, very livable and intimate atmosphere.

When we arrived Larry made us a couple of highly refreshing Martinis. We then had dinner at the Craggy Range winery’s restaurant, Terroir. That was a big disappointment. To say the food was mediocre is being very polite. The wine was nice, but that just doesn’t cut it. Apparently, we’ve been told that Te Awa is the place to go. Next time, for sure.

The following day we went wine and cheese tasting, as you do. Although, we had never had the chance to do this previously in the five years of living in New Zealand, thanks very much to our blessed little offspring. The boys were with their gran, so almost regardless of what happened, it was going to be heavenly. We didn’t get around to very many vineyards, but we did manage to pick up a few special bottles from Black Barn and Te Awa. The weather could not have been more perfect. Sunny and hot in the day, then warm and still at night. It reminded us very much of Napa.

We came back to the Master’s Lodge and had a short rest before Larry indulged us with a few more fantastic cocktails. I was intrigued by one particular item on offer: a Ramos Gin Fizz. Wow!

Then they served us dinner outside on their beautiful veranda. Did I mention…? We had the Lodge all to ourselves, because the other couple staying at the lodge were off at a wedding. So it was dinner for two, overlooking the Hawkes Bay.

It was easily one of the very best meals we’ve ever eaten, perhaps the all time best, served with superb wines from their private collection - hand picked to match each course.

Please excuse my dilettante attempt at recounting our fine dining experience. This is mostly for Heidi’s sake.

For starters: two small potato pancakes, topped with a slice of tender venison and marbled blue cheese. It was two bites of bliss on a dish.

First course: Bluff Oysters. It was our first time, we were Bluff Oyster virgins. One was served raw on the half-shell. The other two were served in a jelly. Did you catch that? Oyster jelly. Let me tell you how mortified Hadley and I were when we saw that. To be exact, it was oyster cucumber jelly with ginger and caviar. Surrounded by wasabe peas and dabs of fresh wasabe. This was easily the best course. I will never forget that oyster jelly. We were served 2004 Vinoptima Gewürztraminer, a varietal that I don’t particularly care for, but it was the best I’ve had.

Second course: Snapper over fresh peas and lentils with a 2002 Morton Estate Reserve Chardonnay. On the side was a loaf of bread flown up from a baker in Christchurch.

By the end of the second course we were done. We couldn’t imagine eating any more! But somehow we did. It was actually difficult to get it all down, but it was worth it. Even with the extra kilos we packed on.

Third course: Lamb tenderloin on a red wine jus with Swiss chard and roasted parsnip. To go with it, a 2000 Kingsley Merlot.

Dessert: Passionfruit creme brule with home-made palmier.

Everything was super fresh and done to perfection. The flavors were lively, but well balanced. The chef was a woman named Kylie Howard, who is apparently quite renowned in the region.

The next day we went to the farmer’s market and picked up some more gourmet goodies. Then we took a ride out to an art gallery on a beautiful farm estate. Finally, we ended up back at the Black Barn for a great lunch. At lunch, Hadley asked me if I would ever want to be a food critic. I emphatically said no, because I never want to be such a pretentious wanker. I offer you my sincerest apologies for not living up to that promise.

All up, we were extremely lucky to have the weekend work out so perfectly.

I feel the same way about meeting and marrying Hadley. Our life together has worked out so wonderfully. I love her more deeply than ever. Each day after the next it gets better and better. It’s not a fairy tale life, but it’s actually not that far off, when I think about it. I’m extremely grateful to her for being my best mate, a true soulmate.

In 2010, we will have been together for 20 years!! By then, we will have spent most of our lives together. Time really does fly when you’re having fun.

Hadley and I are sometimes asked about what it’s like being a parent. We welcome the opportunity to share the painful truth: it’s a brutal, never-ending battle for sanity and you will never win. People love to sugarcoat it and perpetuate myths about bliss and happiness. Part of the problem is that admitting that parenting is hard is often perceived by non-parents as a sub-conscious admission of guilt to being a bad parent. I think it’s also because people are simply too scared to admit the truth to themselves. They don’t want to confront the terrifying realistation that being a parent is a minimum 20-year sentence, locked away in a mental institution for the criminally insane. And you’ve been framed, it’s a set-up. Society (and your DNA) has mislead you, tricked you into incriminating yourself.

Hadley and I always knew we wanted to be parents. I was well aware that being a parent was going to be hellish. To Hadley, it came as a bit of a shock. She was an only child, and one of those rare easy going kids. I, on the other hand, was a terror and I knew it. So I knew that when the day would come for me to have children, it was going to be payback time. In fact, my mom put a curse on me to insure that it would be. I remember the moment very well.

Recently, quite a few of our friends are either considering having kids or are on their way to spawning their first offspring.

For those considering becoming parents, the advice we give is this:

• Wait a few years. Then wait a few more. There’s no rush. Enjoy life, while you can. Cram in as much as you can now. It’s not just the big things either, like overseas travel. It’s the little things like reading the newspaper. Sitting in a chair and having a quiet thought to yourself. Having a long, uninterrupted conversation with someone. Going out for a nice lunch, just the two of you. Those are the things you will rarely, if ever, experience as a parent.
• For people who aren’t even so sure they really want kids, we say: why would you? If you’re not completely certain that you really really want kids, then you shouldn’t. It seems like a lot of people feel obligated to have kids, perhaps out of peer pressure, like “everyone’s doing it”. On the other hand, I’ve been meeting more and more people who are confident in their decision to remain child-free. They’ve mentioned how often people give them shit for it, treat them like they’re freaks. You know why people give them shit? Misery loves company. I emphatically support anyone who doesn’t want kids. Being in any relationship requires a considerable amount of effort. Tossing a deranged lunatic or two into the mix is a major strain and a big sacrifice that nobody should ever feel pressured to do.

For our friends who have already pulled the trigger and are about to have a baby, this is the advice we have:

• Swaddle and swaddle hard. Extremely tight. Trust me, it can never be too tight! The tighter it is, the more they love it and the better they sleep. There’s some great advice on the subject at this site. And they even have photos.
• Resist the urge to sleep with your baby. Not even in the same room, and definitely not in the same bed. For many people this is a no-brainer. We thought we would be a bit more progressive than that (part of the bad influence of living in Berkeley, at the time). This was probably the biggest mistake we made with Emory. He slept with us in our bed. We adopted the parenting technique du jour, attachment parenting, in large part because we loved snuggling with him and thought it was intolerably cruel to let him cry it out all alone. Wow, we couldn’t have been more wrong. Big mistake! Do not fall into this trap. They NEED to be alone. They really, really need it. And so do you. They need to learn to fall asleep by themselves. You really do have to let them cry it out.
• What doesn’t kill them only makes them stronger. You’re not going to do everything right. In fact, you’re going to do a lot of dumb things. For the most part, it doesn’t really make a big difference. Love and food goes a long way to giving kids what they need to be healthy, well adjusted people. What is very important is that you not undermine each other. If your partner is doing something you don’t agree with you have to work through it - together - to work out a common strategy. It’s so painful to see parents who undermine each other - nobody wins, and everyone suffers. It’s hard to go along with something that you don’t agree with, but often in the end it’s not such a big deal, after all. And who knows, you might be proven wrong.

Everyone is going to give you parenting advice, whether you asked for it or not. Worse, every bit of advice is conflicting and contradictory. Every baby is different, every parent is different. Like everything in life, there is no right answer. You just have to try things out and discover what works for you. Of course, just as you figure out the winning trick to solve the latest problem, the kid grows out of it and is on to some totally new, even more baffling growing pain.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love being a dad. My Flickr stream makes that patently obvious. Of course being a parent has its rewards. It’s brought real magic and a deeper meaning into our lives. And profound love. But I have never done anything that has driven me so mental. It’s a constant emotional rollercoaster, whipping from moment to moment between the deepest love and the most intense frustration I have ever felt.

From everything we’ve heard, these are, in fact, the easy years! They’re still cute and cuddly kiddies. They still care what you think. They still respect you. They still speak with you. Those in the know say that it doesn’t get truly ugly until the teen years. More bliss and happiness.

Sorry, what’s that? You’d like some sugar on top?