Parents say the darndest things
Hadley and I are sometimes asked about what it’s like being a parent. We welcome the opportunity to share the painful truth: it’s a brutal, never-ending battle for sanity and you will never win. People love to sugarcoat it and perpetuate myths about bliss and happiness. Part of the problem is that admitting that parenting is hard is often perceived by non-parents as a sub-conscious admission of guilt to being a bad parent. I think it’s also because people are simply too scared to admit the truth to themselves. They don’t want to confront the terrifying realistation that being a parent is a minimum 20-year sentence, locked away in a mental institution for the criminally insane. And you’ve been framed, it’s a set-up. Society (and your DNA) has mislead you, tricked you into incriminating yourself.
Hadley and I always knew we wanted to be parents. I was well aware that being a parent was going to be hellish. To Hadley, it came as a bit of a shock. She was an only child, and one of those rare easy going kids. I, on the other hand, was a terror and I knew it. So I knew that when the day would come for me to have children, it was going to be payback time. In fact, my mom put a curse on me to insure that it would be. I remember the moment very well.
Recently, quite a few of our friends are either considering having kids or are on their way to spawning their first offspring.
For those considering becoming parents, the advice we give is this:
- Wait a few years. Then wait a few more. There’s no rush. Enjoy life, while you can. Cram in as much as you can now. It’s not just the big things either, like overseas travel. It’s the little things like reading the newspaper. Sitting in a chair and having a quiet thought to yourself. Having a long, uninterrupted conversation with someone. Going out for a nice lunch, just the two of you. Those are the things you will rarely, if ever, experience as a parent.
- For people who aren’t even so sure they really want kids, we say: why would you? If you’re not completely certain that you really really want kids, then you shouldn’t. It seems like a lot of people feel obligated to have kids, perhaps out of peer pressure, like “everyone’s doing it”. On the other hand, I’ve been meeting more and more people who are confident in their decision to remain child-free. They’ve mentioned how often people give them shit for it, treat them like they’re freaks. You know why people give them shit? Misery loves company. I emphatically support anyone who doesn’t want kids. Being in any relationship requires a considerable amount of effort. Tossing a deranged lunatic or two into the mix is a major strain and a big sacrifice that nobody should ever feel pressured to do.
For our friends who have already pulled the trigger and are about to have a baby, this is the advice we have:
- Swaddle and swaddle hard. Extremely tight. Trust me, it can never be too tight! The tighter it is, the more they love it and the better they sleep. There’s some great advice on the subject at this site. And they even have photos.
- Resist the urge to sleep with your baby. Not even in the same room, and definitely not in the same bed. For many people this is a no-brainer. We thought we would be a bit more progressive than that (part of the bad influence of living in Berkeley, at the time). This was probably the biggest mistake we made with Emory. He slept with us in our bed. We adopted the parenting technique du jour, attachment parenting, in large part because we loved snuggling with him and thought it was intolerably cruel to let him cry it out all alone. Wow, we couldn’t have been more wrong. Big mistake! Do not fall into this trap. They NEED to be alone. They really, really need it. And so do you. They need to learn to fall asleep by themselves. You really do have to let them cry it out.
- What doesn’t kill them only makes them stronger. You’re not going to do everything right. In fact, you’re going to do a lot of dumb things. For the most part, it doesn’t really make a big difference. Love and food goes a long way to giving kids what they need to be healthy, well adjusted people. What is very important is that you not undermine each other. If your partner is doing something you don’t agree with you have to work through it - together - to work out a common strategy. It’s so painful to see parents who undermine each other - nobody wins, and everyone suffers. It’s hard to go along with something that you don’t agree with, but often in the end it’s not such a big deal, after all. And who knows, you might be proven wrong.
Everyone is going to give you parenting advice, whether you asked for it or not. Worse, every bit of advice is conflicting and contradictory. Every baby is different, every parent is different. Like everything in life, there is no right answer. You just have to try things out and discover what works for you. Of course, just as you figure out the winning trick to solve the latest problem, the kid grows out of it and is on to some totally new, even more baffling growing pain.
Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love being a dad. My Flickr stream makes that patently obvious. Of course being a parent has its rewards. It’s brought real magic and a deeper meaning into our lives. And profound love. But I have never done anything that has driven me so mental. It’s a constant emotional rollercoaster, whipping from moment to moment between the deepest love and the most intense frustration I have ever felt.
From everything we’ve heard, these are, in fact, the easy years! They’re still cute and cuddly kiddies. They still care what you think. They still respect you. They still speak with you. Those in the know say that it doesn’t get truly ugly until the teen years. More bliss and happiness.
Sorry, what’s that? You’d like some sugar on top?
Posting your comment
Wayne | December 7, 2006 @ 7:57 am
To the “considering becoming parents” warnings/suggestions section you can add the following:
http://www.newyorker.com/talk/content/articles/030818ta_talk_surowiecki?030818ta_talk_surowiecki